(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman == (chuckles)
The Cleveland Show 2x22 Hot Cocoa Bang Bang Original Air Date on May 15, 2011
Good morning, family.
Good morning, baby.
How'd you sleep? Oh, this?
I'm glad you asked.
This is my magnus opus.
Waderman!
A comic book?
Cleveland, hush.
Sit down and eat your eggs.
Shame the fool who hath time
for eateth eggs of scramble,
as our breathing hours are so few
and so precious.
What are you talking about?
Donna, all my life, I've deferred my dreams.
You said I was your dream.
Yeah, and I deferred you 25 years.
I'm talking about my other dream:
to write, color, and staple my own comic book.
And last night I finished it.
It's called Waderman.
What's a wader?
"What's a wader?"
Go fly-fishing much?
They're thigh-high rubber boots
that keep your pants dry in shallow water.
I first had the idea one fateful day back in high school.
♪ ♪
(whispers): Oh, I wish I had the perfect opportunity
to show Donna Tubbs I'm the one for her.
Hey, Cleveland. (screams)
(gasps) My wish came true!
(water thrashing) But I just bought these shoes.
I know. I'll take them off and then go in.
Okay. Mm.
Mm. Mm. Help! Help!
Someone help me! (screams) Mm. But my socks?!
I'll remove those as well. Help! (series of short screams)
Anyone! I'll marry anyone who helps me!
Hmm. No towel. (screaming and gasping)
Guess I'll just wait for my feet to dry when I get out.
Watch my red Keds? No.
Not my problem.
(terrified screams)
(screaming)
Help! (screams)
You weigh more than I thought you would. My hero.
Hey. Your Keds are in the fountain.
My red Keds!
That night I swore that I would never again
let shallow water stand in the way of what ought to be.
And so, Waderman was born.
Which is why, for our summer vacation,
we're going to debut Waderman
at this year's Comic-Con in San Diego!
(dramatic music plays)
No... way...
Cleveland, I don't think that sounds like much of a vacation.
That's because you don't know what Comic-Con is.
Imagine a hundred-thousand
unwashed comic book fans in costume,
shoehorned into a musty convention center
that smells like ass and corn chips,
all waiting in line to see three minutes of something
the rest of the world will have to wait two weeks to see.
Now, don't you feel silly?
We're not going to Comic-Con.
Donna, let me talk to you for a second.
(pleading murmur)
(authoritative murmur)
(whiny murmur) (angry murmur)
(sad murmur) (gentle murmur)
(sobbing) (authoritative murmur)
(whimpering murmur) (curt murmur)
(sniffles) Looks like we're going to San Diego.
CLEVELAND JR.: I'm ready.
(crowd murmuring)
Yeah, this all seems very necessary.
Aren't there two wars going on right now?
Come on, Rallo, this is what they're fighting for!
Well, now I'm not sure who I want to win.
Ha ha, this Cleveland Show not too bad.
Move over, King of Hill.
What's going on here?
Kevin Smith and Harry Knowles are fighting over a corn dog.
(foot stomping)
(stomping)
(deep growl)
(deep voice): Join us, Zach Galifianakis!
And together we can rule the galaxy!
(maniacal laugh)
(squealing)
Oh, Donna, once these mouth breathers see Waderman,
my life is gonna change forever!
I'm gonna go set up my booth!
And I'm gonna go stand in line for an autograph from
(imitates Dracula): Scott "Baa-ku-laa"!
(diabolical laugh)
(shrieks)
Oh, God...! No!
Mom, that's you! (impressed): Damn...!
(disgustedly): Damn...
Sure, but I get grounded
when I take my school photo in a mink coat and underwear.
Rallo, I did that a long time ago, and it was a mistake.
Things you do on camera can come back to haunt you.
I gotta call Federline.
Listen to me, Rallo.
No one can know about that screening.
Especially Cleveland.
Mm-hmm.
And that's where it gets tricky for you.
I'll keep my mouth shut, but it ain't gonna be cheap.
Four dollars. Fine.
Now, go find Cleveland.
I'm going to get that screening cancelled.
So, apparently she's not worried
about her five-year-old boy alone
in a convention center full of grown men in costumes.
A'ight, then.
(under breath): Weirdo.
Hey, Rallo, I need an attention getter,
and since I can't afford
a hot Asian girl to dress up like a cat
and stand in front of my booth, why don't you help me out
and be my Squirt?
Squirt is Waderman's sidekick.
All right. But it's gonna cost you.
How much? What's the number after four?
Five. Five dollars.
I got 45 dollars.
Hey! Harry Pockmarks! You look like
you could use a hero!
How about you, Fat Spider-Woman?
(thunder booming sound-effect)
(one steam engine loud puff) ♪ ♪
(booming footfalls)
Hello, Comic-Con. I am Katee Sackhoff.
Or am I Eliza Dushku?
Nope. I'm Emily Deschanel from Bones.
(fans cheer) Yeah, Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!
(crowd murmurs excitedly)
I-I just think Firefly was totally overrated!
(others gasp)
I kind of agree.
I mean, you can't have a whole ship of Han Solos.
If everyone is Han Solo, then no one is Han Solo!
Oh, yeah. That's true. He has a good point.
♪ ♪
What is this?
ANNOUNCER (on video): This fall on NBC.
We're forcing David Schwimmer
to return to network TV
in a new hit comedy.
(meekly): Yay...!
ANNOUNCER: See what happens
when one of America's favorite Friends
becomes Kalamazoo's least favorite...
swimming... coach?
I'm here against my will! (canned laughter)
ANNOUNCER: Schwim Team:
Coming this fall to NBC.
Don't worry, we're almost done.
That doesn't have anything to do with Comic-Con!
Why is it even here?!
You guys talking about Schwim?
Gonna get some Schwim this fall?
Schwim? (sniffs) Ha!
Here, have a T-shirt.
(shirt snaps) (snaps fingers, chuckles)
The Doctor Horrible Sing-a-long is now full.
No one else will be allowed inside.
What?! But we've been waiting all morning!
Sorry, they're from Hollywood.
So they're more important than you.
Well, I guess I could wait in line
to boo M. Night Shyamalan.
Frak this!
CLEVELAND JR.: Comic-Con belongs to us!
It's bad enough those Twilight fruit-blades
think they belong here,
but that other Hollywood crap is inexcusable!
You're right. We have to fight back!
By posting sarcastic barbs on message boards!
No! I mean, really fight back!
This is our house!
And it's time we take back Comic-Con!
(all cheer) (imitates Chewbacca's call)
We have room for one more.
Screw you guys!
An aquatic superhero who lacks the ability to swim.
Apparently, he also has a superhuman tolerance for irony,
which unfortunately I do not.
Worst... cameo... ever.
(crowd murmuring)
♪ ♪
Are you Robert Rodriguez?
(stops playing)
Sí. Yo soy Robert Rodriguez.
You're Cocoa Bang Bang!
I've been in love with you since I first saw your movie.
Nice rack.
Don't try and sweet-talk me.
Look, I am here this weekend
to support my husband's comic book Waffleman or something,
not to be embarrassed by some stupid movie
I should never have made.
"Stupid movie"?!
And for a whole year, I greeted my friends with:
"You goin' back in the trunk, bitch!"
Why don't you come to the screening?
If you want, you can even wear your original costume.
I occasionally make my girlfriend sleep in it.
Listen to me!
That... screening... is not going to happen!
Look, I don't want you to be upset,
so if that's how you feel, fine.
No screening.
It was an honor to meet you.
Thank you.
It was nice meeting you, too.
Your skin is even moister than Antonio Banderas's.
Speak English.
CLEVELAND JR.: Nerds, hear me!
Comic-Con is not a place for David Schwimmer
and his bad-even-for-NBC sitcom!
It's a place where people like us can be ourselves,
and not worry about getting pushed around by bullies
or talking to girls.
I'm a girl. My name's Rebecca.
You are now my girlfriend. No butt stuff.
We have many different beliefs,
but today we must put them aside and unite!
Gryffindor and Slytherin.
Jedi and Sith!
Jack Nicolson Joker and Heath Ledger Joker!
This is our time to take what's ours!
For tonight we dine in hell!
(growling)
(cheering wildly)
Donna, you'll never guess what happened.
Someone bought Waderman and wants to make it into a movie!
That seems unlikely.
Who bought it? I did.
Mm.
Donna, I'd like you to meet Robert Rodriguez,
America's greatest Mexican film director.
Actually, I was born in Texas.
Oh.
He's one of America's top seventy-five film directors!
Nice to meet you.
Nice to... meet you, too.
I was just telling Cleveland,
I think Walrusman could be a huge movie.
Did you hear that, Donna? "Huge!"
It's Waderman, by the way.
Of course.
But if this movie is going to be accurate,
I need to know Waderman's limits.
Why don't you to go to the ocean and see how long
you can stand in shallow water before you cramp up.
You got it!
Rallo, pack it up; we're going to the beach!
This town has a beach?
Then why is everyone in here so pale?
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Donna, Hot Cocoa Bang Bang is important to me.
I own the only remaining copy, and after tonight,
I promise I'll never show it to another living person.
Just come to the screening.
And what if I say no?
Look how happy he is.
It'd be a shame if I had to take that away from him.
So you think just by making my husband's dream come true,
I'll do what you want?
Well, you're not the only person here
who would buy Cleveland's comic.
Have you read it?
(clears throat)
"And Waderman was all boom, boom.
"And the bad guys were all, 'Aaaaargh!
Vroom, vroom' in their cars."
All right, I'll be there!
Super!
(strumming jaunty tune)
I should not be turned on right now.
Ah, there's a cramp.
Four hours and forty-seven minutes.
That's good. Or bad.
I don't know what the average is.
I don't know what we're doing out here.
We must tell Robert Rodriguez!
Come, Squirt!
You go on ahead.
I'm thinking about giving my sand castle a guest house.
Maybe a little fold-out bed.
Mother-in-law comes to visit... no problem.
Maybe a bay window.
Sit up there, read a book.
Yeah.
I would kill for a beer right now.
Bang, Bang, Honkeys!
(cheering)
You're a star, Donna!
They love you!
♪ ♪
(gasps)
(crowd cheering)
Donna?!
(gasps) Cleveland!
What the hell's going on here?!
Shh! If you have a question, you can stand in line
and wait for the Q & A like everyone else.
(frustrated grunt) Fine.
Hi, Robert.
I-I'm also a filmmaker and writer/producer
and sometimes actor.
I-I also have a band...
Oh...
Um, two years ago, I sent you a script.
It was called Mexicannibals.
ROBERT RODRIGUEZ: Never read it. Thank you.
Yes?
First of all, big fan.
I've got a comment and a question.
The comment: Donna!
Now my question: Why?!
Cleveland, I am so sorry.
And I'd be so embarrassed
if anyone back home found out about this.
Oh, please, Donna,
you were arrested at the dog track four days ago.
She hit me first, Cleveland.
(sighs)
Robert Rodriguez promised
that if I came to the screening,
he'd never show that movie to another living person.
Are you kidding?! You heard that crowd.
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang is a hit!
I just made a deal with Warner Brothers
to convert it to 3-D and release it wide!
Three-double-D.
Get it? (laughs)
How dare you, Señor Rodriguez?!
Robert, as partial owner of my wife's breasts,
I'm going to have to insist that you not show them to people.
Something like that could make it awkward
for us to work together on Waderman.
(chuckling): Cleveland, I only used your stupid comic book
so Donna would come to the screening.
I mean, what kind of superhero is afraid of water?
He's not afraid of it.
He respects it!
Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go introduce
a whole new generation to Hot Cocoa Bang Bang.
Over my dead body!
Trejo! Cheech!
Cheech Marin, your marijuana humor is so humorous.
It's a character I play.
And Danny Trejo, I loved it
when you raped that guy in American Me.
That was Edward James Olmos.
You raped Edward James Olmos?
Shame on you!
He taught those kids math!
No es bueno!
(lively, indistinct chatter)
What the hell?
We are.
We are the hell.
(war cry)
(dramatic music plays)
You suck.
Oh my God, he's not even, like,
a real vampire or anything.
(screaming)
(grunting)
(screaming)
(Cleveland Jr. yelling)
(yelling)
DONNA: Baby, I'm sorry.
I thought I was helping you, but it turns out
I was just humiliated in front of a thousand nerds for nothing.
"Humiliated"? What are you talking about?
You looked great up there.
All toned. Young. Smooth.
Eczema-free.
Really?
I guess I was pretty badass up there.
And you still are!
You know what?
We're getting that film back!
But there are guards at every door.
There's no way we can get in!
Maybe we can't.
But Waderman and Cocoa Bang Bang can.
(straining)
Don't worry, they're not going anywhere. Mm.
(funky '70s music plays)
Hey, sugar, you thirsty?
Sure. What'd you have in mind?
How about some Hot Cocoa!
There he is!
Come back here, you film school-hating son of a bitch!
(gasps)
(strums quick, dramatic sting)
To the Amtrak station!
Follow that bike thing with the guy in the back!
(woman screams)
(screaming)
MAN: No. No! Look out!
Oh, no!
Oh, look out! Oh, no!
I know he ain't tryin' to mess up my 'fro!
That's from the movie.
(gasps)
(train whistle blows)
All aboard!
Train to Hollywood, California!
Cleveland, we can catch him if we run through the fountain!
Come on!
TEENAGE DONNA You're my hero.
Hey. Your Keds are in the fountain.
My red Keds!
(maniacal laugh)
Somebody wading for a hero?
He's getting away!
Not today he's not.
You going back in the trunk, bitch!
See you wader, Wobert Wodwiguez.
Mátalo!
Press one for English.
You're keeping the costume.
(sniffs) Smells like butt hair.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==